A Little Lube Never Hurt Anybody

I’m not going to point any fingers. I’m not going to name any names. But I’ve got to tell you, nothing pulls me out of a love scene like a lack of realism. Don’t get me wrong, the vast majority of the books I read take place outside of the realm of reality. I read about vampires and werewolves, ghosts, demons, witches and dragons. I enjoy a little fantasy, but not when it comes to the mechanics of the act. Case in point: lube. I enjoy some m/m sexing… and every once in a while I may read a menage… both of which invariably lead to back-door loving. But when the author skips the lube, the love scene is ruined for me. Why? Because I’m no longer thinking about anything except, That’s really got to hurt. Especially for the virgins.

Of course, a lack of lube isn’t the only culprit… though it probably bothers me the most. It also bothers me when the character’s sexual prowess is so vast, my brain gets mired in the complexity of the act, thus removing any sensuality from it. I remember reading an older Anita Blake book where the woman had one guy in each hand, one in her mouth, and (I think) one guy in the lady-bits… and I just sat there, wondering Could any woman be so coordinated? I couldn’t. I can barely stir two pots at once.

Other winners include the classic “man comes, triggering the woman’s orgasm.” If that actually worked, why would we need men to make any extra effort at all? Also, sex under water… doable, but rarely as advertised on-page. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I’m not saying I don’t appreciate a little embellishment. Even great sex has awkward moments from time to time that we’d all prefer to gloss over, but come on. At least make me feel like what you’re describing could happen. Even if it’s with an immortal, time traveling, Highland warrior, vampire-shifter hybrid who is overcoming his tortured past to find the one true love that can save his soul… dammit.

Thoughts? Please share.

Comments

  1. Okay, first…

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    *wipes tears of laughter, composes self*

    Now, I agree completely! Make it awesome, mind blowing, “my lady bits are ruined for all others” sex, but keep it real. Lube would be required. And if I’m tipping my head to the side and turning the book upside down to try to work out the mechanics of the position… you just lost me.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  2. LMAO That was great Jen! I’m still laughing at *I can barely stir two pots at once.*

    Francesca

  3. Oh, the truth in this. I’m an avid reader of fanfiction, but sometimes I just wonder about how some of the stuff is physically possible. As for the Ani…er, incredibly talented woman, I just skipped the sex scenes. And missed out half the plot too…but still.

  4. *laughing so hard I spit my soda out* You nailed it correctly *pun intended*

    A little lube goes a long way, but dear me, when I read these same books on back door entry, I want to smear lube all over the book. No matter if they are newbies or veterans, lube doesn’t make itself back there!

    And while I might like a menage from time to time, you are right, it takes a lot of coordination and I can’t imagine anyone being that good.

    So realism with the fiction just makes the book better in my opinion.

    *sips soda slowly so I don’t spew again*

  5. You are so correct! Back door, no lube ruins the scene. Although there is one m-m author I love & she always points out the lube situation, but sometimes I wonder about the substances of opportunity. She has had her guys use: shower gel, shampoo, conditioner (they like showers together), lotion and my all time favorite lube of opportunity… butter, from a restaurant packet no less.

    I love when authors bring in condoms. Especially when it involves an extremely old immortal or a time traveler and they have no clue what it is. Condoms always bring realism to the smex!

  6. I think most m/m get it right, at least those I have read lately, they almost always mention the lube or spit (which, BTW, is disgusting and not the same at all) and when they don’t use it they talk about how it’s difficult or how they don’t want to hurt each other. I even read a book where they didn’t have sex because of the lack of lube. But in general yes, both for m/m and m/f the sex is always so easy and clean and beautiful, it’s never messy, it never hurts, and what the f*ck is exquisite pain? And what about the deliciously pungent musky scent or her sex!? Take a bath lady! And don’t get me started with girls losing their virginity (to a huge monstrous penis) and then having sex again, and again, and again on the same night! Give me a break!

  7. (spits drink all over monitor) I know what you mean. When I need visual aid to understand what is going on you have lost me. Sometimes it sounds like the person(s) need to have 3 or more hands to get the job done.

  8. Oh and I totally remember what AB scene you are talking about.

  9. LOLOLOLOLOL!!!

    Excellent point all around.

  10. Ahahaha! What an awesome post! I was reading yesterday about virginity cliches on Smart Bitches, Trash Books, and now this deliciousness! :))) I don’t read m/m but any threesome without lubrication would lose me. And how would spit work by the way? It totally wouldn’t. It’s like comparing butter and water. I read a YA the other day where she lost her virginity in the ocean, people. It was such a huge WTF moment… By the way which AB scene it was? There are so many they are blurred together in my mind.

  11. I’m so glad I am not alone, ladies!! And I’m with you guys on the spit… though I prefer the spit to nothing.

    I don’t know how I feel about butter, but someone gets and “A” for effort on that one, I think.

    One of these days, I’m going to have to do a reflection post on giantor dicks and the real-world repercussions…

    (And I can’t for the life of me remember which AB that was… I just remember that her head was hanging off the edge of the bed while she worked her magic…)

  12. Oh I love this post!! Its so so true.

    The one you mentioned when the guy has his orgasm it triggers a womens orgasm especially drives me nuts. I don’t know why but its so unrealistic and sets false hopes in some girls.lol If only things where that easy every man would be an amazing lover.

  13. i grinned throughout your post. it’s so true. i love m/m, but most of them were really unrealistic. i would love to read a story were they have unsafe sex and they get a tripper – now that would be funny XD
    thanks for the laugh!

  14. What’s a tripper? And why do I feel like a failure for not knowing already?

  15. Virgin heroines is a hit and miss with me, esp after read about the “virginity cliches” at “Smart Bitches” days ago. Can you imagining a virgin who can experience 17 orgarsm after her first experience? o_O!!

  16. I love this post!! I have yet to feel the hot spurt of my husband’s release. Just sayin

    I read one Kate’s Crew” where the girl had 5 guys at once. In the water. Under water!! The guys took turns blowing air into her mouth.

  17. Great post! Made me laugh, because I think the same thing! Reading certain scenes all I think is “ouch” and the mood the author is going for is totally ruined for me.

  18. I totally agree with you it’s like in the movies how is it that movie sex no one slips what is that? Or in books it’s always your so long so big so tight ugh cringe stop that author. Just stop.

    Fantasy is fine and exaggeration in these moments it is fiction after all but really just a touch more realistic and yes lube, lube it up good.

    Oh and man cums = woman getting off hahahahahahaha

  19. Now I’m feeling guilty for knowing what tripper is 🙂 Jen, I think it’s a common name for one of the STDs. Gonorrhoea maybe?

  20. OMG, I love you for this post alone! *I’m still laughing loudly*
    Unfortunately you are so right! One of my pet peeves are female virgins which have an orgasm immediately, no pain, no problem at all. Yeah, yeah, as if I believe this.
    And I totally agree on the missing lube. I always notice this in books and the magical coordinating abilities some characters show. If I would be so gifted I wouldn’t crash all my glasses all the time.

    Thanks so much for this posy,
    Nimue

  21. *high five* LMAO and then laughed it off again!!!

    Point well made, Jen!

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