Review: Bride Gone Bad

bride gone badReviewed by Janell

This book was not what I expected, and I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Set in Texas, 1884, the story follows a woman named Tempest and a man named Lucky. Tempest starts out as a member of the Texas Society for the Promotion of Temperance. Trying to be a stalwart member, she storms into a saloon and strikes the wooden bar with a hatchet, as proper society women do. When the drinkers get upset, she’s kicked out of the society. By the time she walks down the street to serve a night in jail for her crime (jail being a hotel room), she has been nicknamed Temperance Tempest, her actions have become legendary, and she is a town celebrity with free room, food, and gifts bestowed upon her.

Lucky is part French, part Indian, and he’s in town waiting for something. He sees Tempest and thinks she’ll be trouble. Poor Lucky can’t go two pages without his prick swelling at the thought of Tempest. And, once aroused, it has amazing staying power, always making his jeans feel tight. Anyhow, he escorts her to the jail/hotel, and ends up in the room next to her. Lucky takes care of his arousal with his hand and a towel (so many books have the men take cold showers instead, they never give in to masturbation, but I guess since there was no running water Lucky had no choice). Then Tempest screams because she thinks there’s a man in her room.

It turns out that Tempest sees and communicates with ghosts! Lucky declares her to be a Spirit Rattler. Coincidentally, he is a Sun Rattler, and he needs her to go to a burial ground to talk to the spirits and find an ancient artifact. Tempest agrees, and on their way out of town they are approached by some businessmen. They want her to be in a Wild West Show about chopping up bars. And then the saloon owner wants a painting of her to hang over the bar. Lucky jokes that they should pose naked together.

Things get more random and episodic. There’s a ghostly Indian Maiden who controls rattlesnakes. A bad whiskey smuggler guy. An artist who must be retrieved from another bar. Some poor relatives who need money. An ex-husband who has to be killed.

Through it all, Lucky and Tempest can’t fight their attraction. Even though Tempest was a proper lady and a virgin before they met, she becomes pretty adventurous and saucy with just a few touches of Lucky’s hand. Since they are both somewhat mystical, Lucky knows that when they have intercourse it will bind them together forever and make them powerful.

When he tries to slow down with her to give the moment some meaning, Tempest slaps him and says she’s finished with their crazy road (horse trail) trip, she’s going back to Texas. Then she cries and wonders, “Is there something wrong with me that I can’t get any man to spread my thighs and ram it home?” Yes, those anachronistic words come out of her mouth. She then says she’ll get a smooth stick or a banana to take care of her virginity. We know pretty much zilch about Tempest’s upbringing, but I don’t think her elderly aunts taught her about dildos so I don’t know where she got that idea. She even taunts Lucky by pulling a stick out of the fire and asking if it’s a good size!

So finally Lucky draws a magic circle around them and says some things and puts his prick inside her plump lower lips swollen with honey and they explode together. Then they do it again. Refusing to bask in the afterglow, Tempest notices that Lucky did not use a French Cap (I wish he would have, I didn’t know they had condoms then!) and she is pissed that he probably got her pregnant. She decides that he lied just to get her in bed (not that she was begging him, not that he could have done it without the magic circle). So she’s done with him again. But she’ll still help him find some spirits.

The book ends with some Raiders of the Lost Ark-type cyclone of fire and ghosts, and some shooting, and then Tempest decides that she loves Lucky and her baby after all.

As you can tell, I was flummoxed by just about every part of this book. The scenery was nice. I didn’t understand Tempest at all. It moved pretty fast. The grammar was correct. Ghosts and spirits and silver chains and whatnot, you don’t see that in every cowboy novel.

This is the third book in a series about the area, the next book will be about the artist who carves naked ladies onto bars. He’s also haunted by a ghost or something.

Rating: C-

*ARC Provided by Kensington

Click to purchase: Amazon

Bride Gone Bad
by Sabine Star
Release Date: October 3, 2013
Publisher: Kensington

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